Sunday, 13 December 2009

Lack of fear = faith...

God is good.

Every time this year a need has come up, finances or other means always accompany it.

Earlier in the year, the old car we'd been given finally died ~ which was a comedic night in itself. Ryan picked me up to head to the grocery store after work, once there we noticed a LARGE pool of engine oil on the ground. We followed a long trail all the way out of the parking lot, so who knows when it began. We ended up calling roadside assistance from our insurance company (and they DID speak English) and asked for a tow-truck.

While waiting, several of our friends were in the area so they came to help. Jason, a Canadian who doesn't speak Korean, came but so did Dave and Eunji, and Sudip and his wife who all speak Korean.

After some time a small, pink (which I enjoyed) car arrived with a car service man. He had brought gasoline. We tried to tell him that we didn't need gas, we needed engine oil. He checked the gas and saw it was full, and he was confused. Several Korean speakers tried to explain. We pointed at the brown liquid sea on the floor, and he came to the conclusion we needed radiator fluid. (how did this guy become a car service man!?!?)

He checked the rad. fluid and it was full. He actually scratched his head.

We all tried again to explain we were leaking engine oil. So he proceeded to finally check. He wiped the dip-stick clean, then dropped it in and pulled it out again...

At which point his eyes popped out, he turned to us and literally exclaimed, "WHOA! THERE'S NO OIL!!"

We then literally applauded. >.<

The car was sent to the wrecker the next day... and we were at a loss. We didn't NEED a car, but it was certainly a big help. That week I got an offer for a temp job that lasted a few weeks and payed well. We also began car shopping and fell in love with an LPG-run 6 seater. It cost the exact amount that the temp job paid.

God provided. God is good.

Last month Ry's school noticed that they'd been paying him at a higher pay grade than they had documentation to justify. The management and accounting people had made an error during his application process and were blaming him. Yet the school refused to take responsibility, and they demanded he pay back the money from the previous 15 months or resign. After two weeks of meetings and negotiations they finally demanded his resignation immediately, effective within the month.

Ryan's last day of work was this past Thursday. As his visa is being canceled, we are (forced) to leave the country. We're heading to Hong Kong and plan to shop for baby items ~ which is actually nice, as we weren't planning to take another trip before the baby at all!

Ryan needs a job; we need secure visas and finances; we need insurance... but I feel comforted today in knowing that God will provide, as He always does when we come to Him and rely on Him.

Recently I said to Ryan that I have this unnatural lack of fear in the midst of all of this. His response? "That's called faith."

Friday, 20 November 2009

our trip from Canada back to Korea at 13wks pregnant

OK... this is the story of coming home from Canada this year... it's a bit long, but it was a very memorable experience... goods and bads, and through it all God provided... here's what happened:

The trip home was full of ups and downs (LITERALLY!)... but through it all God really provided for us!

First, things in Toronto went well, as did the first 3/4 of the flight. Near the end they warned us of turbulence but didn't say why. I heard a flight attendant say that they all had to go sit down quickly because it was going to be very bad... I had yet to be sick, but had started feeling unwell.

All but one flight attendant said it was their worst landing ever, and the other one was an old guy who said in 35 years it was one of the worst and he'll never forget it. We were bouncing up and down in our seats, and I was violently ill throughout the whole landing - in my seat, holding barf bags, bouncing up and down trying not to drop it or miss... >.<

Ryan was amazing and helped me as much as he could - and later admitted the landing was so bad he almost tossed HIS cookies too!

In that time I begged God to let me rest in Japan for a night, because I truly felt that I could not fly again that day... when we got to Japan we found out that all flights out were canceled due to a major Typhoon. After we landed I got up and ran to the plane toilet and the winds were so bad the plane was swaying - while parked! I stumbled out of the bathroom, and must've looked like death because they had a wheel chair waiting for me and a girl who helped me through the airport!

She even took me into the bathroom and rubbed my back while I was ill! I couldn't believe it... I never got her name, but I wouldn't have made it far without her help!

She took us out through immigration, baggage claim, and to the departures desks - where there were lines out the doors and thousands of people waiting! We had the choice to wait in line for 3-4 hours, or find a hotel and phone the airline - we chose #2. Out of a list of nearly 10 hotels, all but 2 were fully booked, so we stayed at the Hilton - which was nice but expensive. Again, God provided for us and we JUST had enough money to pay.

I was ill throughout the shuttle bus ride to the hotel, so the next day I was praying that I wouldn't have to get back on that bus again - when we checked out we were told the bus was full, so the hotel would provide us with a taxi for free. Again, an answer to prayer!!

At the airport things were calm and orderly with about a kajillion fewer people, and the airline was looking for people to upgrade their seats for a fee. The fee was only about $40 per person, so we decided just to pay for it and get the better seats - but when Ryan went to pay for the upgrade the man at the counter told him not to worry about paying. So we got free upgrades!!

Also, I'd been ill through the night and still very ill in the morning (I don't want to go into too many details, but I've never vomited like this EVER! Unstoppable, uncontrollable, and pulling all the muscles in my back, abs, shoulders and neck! I honestly was terrified to leave our hotel room!) so I was praying that I wouldn't be ill again until we got home... well we checked out at noon, and I was sick at around 11am and not again until we were in Incheon airport, through immigration, and Ryan was collecting the baggage. I also made it through the car ride without being ill - but was again once I was home.

So, God answered ALL our prayers - even the most specific ones! Makes me think I should've been more specific with that last prayer and asked not to throw up again until I was in our apartment... but it all worked out!

Thanks be to God who answers when we call... <3 style="font-family: webdings;">

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

25 weeks! whoa...

So, I intended to write more often, but once I missed a few weeks I felt like I couldn't write again until I had time to write everything! Which is totally the wrong idea...

So, I have many interesting stories from the past few months to share, like:
-Our August trip to Canada
-morning sickness from hell
-the flight to Japan where I thought we would die
-the birth of many babies at our church
-our weekend trip to Sokcho beach and Sorak mountain for Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving)
-feeling the baby kick for the first time
-working like mad for Lotte Hotel for several weeks
-some highlights of my hotel employee interviews
-Ryan feeling the baby kick
-seeing the baby move!
-Ryan catching swine flu
-our weekend away on Jeju island
-Ryan's resignation from work
and much more...

These days I'm done with the insane work hours - which is good because I was really drained.

Ryan was home several days recently because he had the H1N1 virus. He was fine, a brief flu was all - though the Tamiflu treatment had side-effects worse than the flu itself! It was tough at first because I really couldn't be near him, to avoid getting infected... but at the same time I'd just worked several weeks of long hours and really wanted to be able to spend time with him... >.<

The last two days we just ignored staying in separate rooms in the day (though we slept in separate rooms for 2 weeks!!) and spent time together. We also began to change the apartment around to prepare for the baby.

We have 2 bedrooms, but used one as an office. We decided to change it into a baby room, but our apartment has SO MUCH furniture, it's been difficult. We finally agreed to leave the love seat and ottoman in the living room with the desk, computer and book shelves (which were all in the office before), and put the large couch in the nursery... because that's the only place it will fit!

The new set-up isn't terrible... but it's hard to have many people over now.

We did get the chance to have our friend Jason, as well as the new OEM pastor, Mike, and his family over for dinner the other night. I guess it's a good thing we're in Asia, as it's perfectly acceptable to have people sitting on the floor here.

What's on my mind these days? Cribs and baby stuff... ugh... I have no idea where to begin to look for these things here... and I have no idea what to get. Right now I'm trying to decide what I like by doing some web research, and then I'll price things in Korea... hopefully it doesn't take too long... but at least we still have 2-3 months!

(I hope...)

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

weeks 10-13

Well... it's been an interesting few weeks.

I had been feeling pretty good, then morning sickness hit me... hard! We'd been planning a trip to Canada to visit our families. At 11 weeks we left on our trip...

We left early in the morning, and had parked our car at a friend's place, so we had to walk the short distance up the hill (mountain!) to the Hyatt Hotel to get the airport shuttle... in the pouring rain! We both ended up tired, soaked, and covered in blue ink from a pen that exploded in a bag. >.<

On the bus I held back being sick, but not long enough. Eventually (after hearing a man hoark behind me) I pulled out a trusty ziplock baggie and silently puked in the bus... within 5 minutes of the airport!

The first flight to Tokyo was uneventful as I managed to sleep through it (praise God!)!! But the 11 hour flight to Toronto was killer... I puked more times than I can count. I used up all the sick bags from 2 bathrooms and had to get the flight attendant to find more. I arrived in Toronto 2.5 kilos lighter than when I'd left Korea!!

Now we've been in Canada for nearly 2 weeks and our trip is coming to an end... my sickness is bouncing back and forth. Some days I'm fine, hungry and wanting to eat everything... other days I'm sick and can barely eat.

One of the big changes and strange things is that although I've lost a TON of weight (8+ kilos) my regular pants have stopped fitting... what a bummer! Though I've got to say that maternity pants are SO comfortable!!!! hehehehe...

I'm not looking forward to the flight back home, but we'll see how it goes.

Sun safety: ways to keep your skin healthy

Exposing your skin to sunlight exposes your skin to Ultraviolet (UV) light. On Earth we are susceptible to both UVA and UVB rays. UV rays expose us to radiation from the sun. This leads to problems such as sunburns, discoloration, and cancer.

The radiation damages the skin cells as well as the DNA, leading to long term health risks. With large doses of radiation DNA is altered and often mutates leading to cancer. Skin cancer at an early stage is treatable; however, many people aren’t educated on how to examine their skin and therefore leave the cancer untreated which can spread to other parts of the body.

What is important to know is first, how to protect your skin from exposure to UV rays. Second, people need to know how to treat over exposure to sunlight, and finally to be aware of skin changes and do regular self-checks.

1) Protection

Sunscreens work by absorbing, reflecting or scattering UV rays.

Physical sunscreens form and opaque film that reflects or scatters the UV light before it can penetrate the skin. They contain ingredients such as zinc oxide and titanium dioxide, which provide protection from both UVA and UVB rays. These sunscreens used to leave a white or colored film on the skin after application, but many are on the market these days that blend more with the skin tone.

Chemical sunscreens absorb UV rays using chemicals such as avobenzone or oxybenzone. To broaden the protection, chemical sunscreens often combine multiple ingredients for added protection.

The effectiveness of sunscreens can be decreased if it is applied too thin, your skin type, how often it is applied, and how intense the UV rays are that day. Other factors to consider are humidity, sweating, swimming, drying off with a towel, or skin contact. Be sure to apply sunscreens before going outside, and then reapplying several times throughout the day.

Other options include wearing UV protective clothing and hats. These are especially helpful for people with very sensitive skin or pre-existing sunburns.

While many sunscreens contain chemicals, preservatives, fragrances and other irritating ingredients, there are several companies that produce safer and gentler sunscreens. Read labels thoroughly to understand the ingredients as well as the directions.

While sunscreens are important, it is also advised to simply stay out of the sun during peak UV ray hours – 10am – 4pm. If you see a UV index that is high for the day plan indoor activities, or do your outdoor activities before or after that time.

Several nutritional factors that can provide added protection. Antioxidants protect against lasting damage to our DNA. Many of these nutrients build and maintain healthy skin.

Studies have also shown that a selenium deficiency hinders our skin’s ability to prevent damage, so increasing selenium intake can provide added protection.

Increasing consumption of foods containing Beta-carotine, Vitamins E and C, caotenoids, lycopene, and lutein will protect skin, prevent sunburns, and prevent lasting damage. In addition Essential fatty acids and flavinoids will further protect your skin.

Recent studies have shown that white tea offers significant protection to sun-induced skin damage. Creams and skin products containing white tea have been found to protect against the destruction of Langerhans’ cells in the epidermis. White tea not only protected from UV ray damage but also from longer term DNA changes.

2) Treatment

• Keep the area cool. Taking a cool, but not cold, shower or bath will help. Using a cold, wet compress will also provide relief from the pain.
• Cover the area with slices of cucumber or aloe which are cool as well as soothing.
• Apply aloe gel several times a day.
• Never pick peeling skin or blisters – this could lead to infection and scarring.

3) Self skin checks and treatments

The following link from contains a slide show with pictures of sun-damaged skin:
This slideshow contains pictures of melanomas to help identify skin cancer:
This page contains up-to-date and concise information on skin cancer from the Mayo Clinic:
This link is for the Canadian Cancer Society. From this page you can select pages for melanoma or non-melanoma skin cancers:

• Barbara E. Gould, PATHOPHYSIOLOGY FOR THE HEALTH PROFESSIONS, Elsevier Inc. Page 251 – Radiation



•, WHITE TEA PROTECTS AGAINST SUN DAMAGE (taken from the Health Supplement Retailer,, January 30, 2003),


Thursday, 30 July 2009

9 weeks

I know it's been a while since I've written anything... but to be honest, it's been so difficult to do anything! Morning sickness has hit, and it's a real bummer... it's not as bad as many others have it, and I'm not throwing up THAT much, but I sure feel like I'm about to every other minute!!

On top of that I feel like I can smell every bad smell within a kilometer... and I've recently decided that my bedroom is the only room that doesn't have strange smells (it's also the room with the most openable windows). So each day I've been bringing in my laptop, a mini table, and all my books and setting up a work space here. >.<

All the books and websites advise people to eat dry foods like crackers often... but I am very much hating eating anything. Last night Ryan had to guilt me into taking my vitamin. (to the baby: I'm so sorry that I'm not eating much now, but I really am trying hard!)

I was reading yesterday that in this stage of pregnancy I really have control over nothing... not over how I feel, what I can or can't eat, if I can keep food down, how I act (or overreact!), or what my mood will be... and that it should be a blessing! What?!? you may ask... but it's in these times that we have no control over how we feel or over the development of a little one that we already love so much, and only then can we fully lean on our Father to be our support and provider.

I desperately worry that things won't go well, but I know that through whatever circumstances that I will be thankful for God's leading in my life, knowing that in all things He gives me strength and that He works for the good of those who love Him. Which means that good days and bad, He has a plan for me. So I will keep rejoicing in Him and trusting in His plans...

And this is yet another time that God continues to teach me patience and trust. I wonder if it will ever stop being so hard for me....

Sunday, 5 July 2009

week 5...

We are truly blessed!

I've been feeling fairly fine all week... I keep saying to Ryan that I don't feel pregnant. To which he replies with this dialogue:

"Do you feel tired?"
"Have you been taking naps?"
"How many naps do you usually take?"
"Do you feel dizzy or lightheaded?"
"Have you had your period?!?!"
"You're pregnant!"

I have been feeling pretty good though. Except Saturday evening we had our married couples small group over, and I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when I bent down to get something from a low shelf, lost my balance, hit my head and cut it ever so slightly (but enough that I was sore and cranky!).

Its difficult with pregnancy because so many people don't want to share info so early... but we've decided to start telling people. Mostly because we want to be extra covered in prayer ~ which we are!

After church yesterday our Pastor and several others laid hands on us and prayed for Ryan and I and the baby (babies?). We heard from several people how they had been praying for us, our marriage, and for babies... Our Pastor prayed for this baby and for babies to come... And several others have shared how they feel that this will be a successful pregnancy. I feel very blessed.

Actually, the sermon yesterday was about listening when God speaks - and responding or acting on it. And afterward, we greeted one of the worship leaders and he told us that he felt that God wanted us to go and get prayer ~ what's great is that he didn't know we were expecting yet.

So we're praying each day for our little one to grow and develop into a healthy baby that we will meet in March. We're also praying more for our marriage and for discernment to understand what God wants for us... It's an exciting adventure finding out...

In the meantime, I'm really trying to be a wife of noble character. I'm trying to be supportive for Ry, and be generous and encouraging to our friends here. Last week we had a friend stay for several days after she injured both ankles. I'm pleased to say that I made dinner most nights, kept a fairly tidy home, did the dishes each night, and hosted several people several times... Slowly but surely I'm working on being more hospitable and generous... and God is not only teaching me, but giving me the opportunity to practice!

My next step? Trying to be more encouraging with Ry ~ even though encouraging words don't come easily to me...

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

1 Samuel 1:27

What a week!

well, Monday was 14dpo... and I was psyched to test (took all my strength not to test Sunday night after I bought the tests). I wanted Ry to be there when I did it... cause I didn't want to have to tell him on the phone and I'd be too excited or sad to wait all day... so he woke me up in the morning as he was getting ready for work.

Grumpy as I am in the morning, I went straight to the bathroom, peed on the stick, waited about 30seconds and when I saw nothing got mad and went back to bed.

About 5 minutes later, I thought that I really should check again so I asked Ryan what was on the test.

He came into the room and said, "There's one dark line and one light line..." At that I jumped out of bed and grabbed it from him. There were definitely two lines. WOWZAS!!!!! We were excited but still a little unsure, so Ry went off to work and I went to the Dr.s for bloodwork.

Tuesday morning I woke up at 5am having to pee, and had a 2nd test so I took it. It was pretty much the same as Monday... total mixed feelings. Psyched and anxious... I wondered what the chances of 2 false positives were.

Wednesday 5pm I FINALLY get a call back from the doctors office congratulating me and confirming my first ultrasound for next week.

Now I am 4 weeks along, and taking progesterone 3x daily and baby aspirin 1x daily along with my vitamins. The progesterone is to keep my hormones stable and support the pregnancy and the aspirin is to prevent clots which may cause miscarriages.

We've shared our news with few people, but are thankful for all the prayer and encouragement.

1 Samuel 1:27

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

Thank you for this blessing!!!!!!!

Friday, 26 June 2009

Nightmares, restless sleep and still waiting...

so I haven't been sleeping well all week, but Thursday night was, by far, the worst....

I had this monster of a nightmare (which is so disturbing I can't even write it out...) and awoke sweat drenched and shaking at 5am. I tried to wake my DH, but alas, he was (comatose) sound asleep. After a trip to the loo and some time to pray, I tried to sleep again as I knew I had a very busy day ahead of me... I must've fallen asleep as I wondered about the day, because next thing I knew I was dreaming again.

And, for sure, I was still so shaken up about the nightmare that every time I met someone in my dream I told them about the nightmare...

But I made it through yesterday, but came home and vegged after work. I couldn't do a thing.

Today is 12dpo. Yesterday I stopped by my ObGyn's office to pay a bill and they told me it was still way too early to know anything... and I should come back mid next week - but that would be like 16dpo! I'm dying to test... but I can't imagine a - result.

Last night I dreampt that I got my period (sorry). I was devastated. I woke up depressed... I know that nothing is confirmed yet, but the waiting is killing me.

Oh, and I'm neurotic enough to be addicted to reading other women's web posts and preggo stories... where too many of them claim they had a + test after 8, 9 or 10dpo... Comparing is bad. Comparing is bad. Comparing is bad....

At least I have a bunch of work to do today to occupy my time. I have to judge a speech contest Monday at Lotte Hotel... so I'm going over the speeches today to prepare questions.

Back to work I go... (but still praying for little ones growing inside of me....)

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

hurry up time!

Wednesday - 9dpo. >.<

I'm supposed to be writing kids text books. Actually I missed my deadline and have been avoiding my boss (don't tell her!). I've also got a school course that's ending in the next few weeks and I'm very behind in my work... and yet, am I able to focus and work????

Nope. Barely even a little.

Working from home is great... except when you're obsessive like me and work on your laptop, where you can bounce from work to facebook, to google,,, etc.... and research every symptom every woman in the whole world who has ever been pregnant has felt!

Whew. It's exhausting.

Bought tests yesterday. Want to test. Know it's ridiculous. Afraid of results. I'm an idoit.... woke in the night wondering if I should pee on a stick... seriously.

Started listening to the peasant princess series by Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church.... I'm pretty psyched for them. You should listen to them. Or pretty much any of his sermons... I've been putting them on when I shower and dress each morning. I know Ryan listens to them on his commute to work...

Seriously, go to your itunes podcasts now and get them!

Luckily I can get my mind off of every twinge I feel in my uterus long enough to listen... now if only I could work...

Monday, 22 June 2009


Monday, June 22nd... 7DPO (days past ovulation)

The past week went by quickly enough... but it feels like next Monday will never arrive!

God made many interesting things that I'll never understand, but why pregnancy symptoms and PMS pains are the same baffles me!! :p Plus, the drugs I've been taking have only intensified things.

I'm hoping this month works... and I'm a little fearful it won't. Ry said there's nothing to be afraid of... but I think that cons are beginning to outweigh the pros at this point. It could just be my pessimism talking... but it's hard to go through this each month.

Last night I had dinner with a friend, G, who is pregnant with a little boy... before she got preggers, we used to chat and connect all the time about the 2ww and testing day, etc... Last night I mentioned 7 days down, 7 more to go before we know and she commented, "oh, you're still doing that, are you?" Ouch... I know she meant no harm, but these days everything zings me.

Generally I feel unwell. My body is exhausted, and though I normally take hours to wind down and fall asleep, Ryan is ecstatic that I've been asleep before I hit the pillow 3 nights in a row! I woke up today feeling great! but I've also had terrible headaches for a couple of days... just killer! And to top it off, somehow I managed to pull my neck, which just makes everything feel worse... I know it's unrelated, but its a bummer. Other than that, got some belly twinges and such, bouncing back and forth from nausea to hunger! But I know it's WAY too early for that...

so... Pregnancy? PMS? or just the meds????? >.<

I need to stop worrying about this and give it all up to God. Cause I'll go mad analyzing the details.

I'm thankful that God has really given Ryan and I extra patience these days...and awesome friends. A great apartment. THE cutest doggie EVER! good jobs, etc... we have been very blessed. And I have no reason to not be joyful each day... so all praises to God!

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

sharing during hard times...

It's difficult for people to share during hard times in their lives. I understand, but have always struggled with this. In my experience, you often didn't have much choice to keep things to yourself. Family and friends always wanted to know what was going on, and it just seemed natural to share.

In the past few years I have been judged for being open about many experiences and struggles. I apologize if my honesty has offended people. I feel deeply that our lives are meant to be a testament of God's goodness, grace and forgiveness. How can I speak of God's love to others, in a society that demands proof, and not give my own experience? I just can't imagine that...

When I became pregnant in 2007, I was affected by a quote from Lorilee Craker's book, "When the belly button pops, the baby's done." It said, " Don't let the fear of what might happen dampen the joy and love... don't hold back your own love in an effort to protect your own heart." After that I had a deep understanding that God wanted me to trust in Him but also rejoice and find joy. I had joy and love during the pregnancy and when I miscarried I found joy in knowing I would see my child one day...

Yet at that time, I had other people mention to me their feelings on talking about early pregnancy and miscarriage. I actually had one family member say, "I would never tell people I'm expecting before 12 weeks. I think it's stupid to announce it so early." Can you believe that?!? What a great thing to say to a grieving woman... (severe sarcasm, in case you didn't know)

Since then I've wondered about telling people my experiences with pregnancy loss, grief, infertility, etc... And I realized that in those times God used other people's experiences to comfort me, and I can be bold enough to use my experiences to praise God and help others.

God has done great things in my life and isn't finished with me yet...

My own 2 week wait.... >.<

I was at the doctors several times last week, and we'd prepared to try for a successful pregnancy this month.

For those who don't know, I've been off of BC for years but because my cycles are long it's been difficult to time things well. Sometime in December 2007 we became pregnant but I miscarried at the end of January 2008. After a painful D&C it took months for my body to get back to normal. We began trying again in late spring 2008 and now (Summer 2009) we're still praying for a little one to join our family.

In December I started seeing my ObGyn for fertility treatments, but both Ryan and I decided that we were willing to try ovulation stimulation but not more.

This month I Ovulated on June 15th (confirmed by several sonograms)... a big surprise was that 3 follicles had matured by O day!! Which is strange because at the end of last week there was only 1... either way, Ryan and I are thrilled!

Now it's the 18th and 3DPO... I've got a ton of work to do this month, and so I'm going crazy trying to get these thoughts out of my mind... what's going on in my body now? Did any eggs get fertilized? How many? where are they? will they implant? when? ??????????? AGH!!!!!!!

This is SOOOOO hard for a gal who wants to trust in God, but has a hard time not knowing what's going on... I NEED to know... I NEED to relax and trust in God... BAH!

Spending more time in prayer these days... and Ryan and I are praying over the belly each night...

It used to be that a good devo, quiet time and prayer would refresh me for hours... now it seems that shortly after I'm worried all over again...

Father, you are the giver of life and my life and the lives of any future babies are in your hands. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Teach me to be more patient and trust in you. I know that you would let me control my life and it would have limits... but your will for me is more than I could ever imagine... so my trust is in you. Comfort me in these next few weeks and remind me of your presence when I feel alone. Turn your face upon me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Was my picture in His plans?

Well, as you can see from my first post, my husband, Ryan, and I lost a baby in January of 2008... it took a while to heal both physically and emotionally, and since then we've been excited at the thought of another pregnancy and welcoming a little one into our family.

We've hit a snag and have been unable to become pregnant again since.

Last summer I had a wonderful moment while spilling my heart to my Father... and in the midst of my struggles He said to me, "We can do things your way, and have limits... or we can do things my way and you can experience miracles."

I love to make plans and goals of what I want to accomplish. However, one of my greatest struggles is giving up control to God, who I know has a plan for me. I still praise God for hearing my cries and knowing my heart... but I also still struggle with knowing how much I can do before I'm taking the control away from Him.

This is something that I have to give to Him each day, and each day He tells me to remember to trust Him. Like Proverbs 5 and 6 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Still, I am human and I struggle...

The following is a poem I read on the Stepping Stones website, a site for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. It reminds me that though there is an aching, I can't sit idly by; though I at times feel empty, He is there to fill me up.

I had a certain picture
Of how my life would be.
But I forgot to ask my Lord
What He had planned for me.

Just one life to fill my womb,
All my dreams leaned toward.
But idle waiting no one serves,
And least of all, the Lord.

How precious still the things I have
I'd somehow lost sight of,
God did whisper to my heart,
"Hold dear those things I love."

My heart did break to let it go,
This certain path I'd planned.
But in its place, He gave me life
New purpose from His hand.

When it seems that hope is lost,
The Quiet too much to bear,
He comes to me and comforts me
And says, "Child, I'm still here."

He wipes the flood of tears away,
Brings newness to my soul.
Then takes away the shame I feel
And somehow makes me whole.

Never have I walked so close
That I could call Him "Friend."
He drew me nigh, right to His heart
And let me glimpse within.

I thank the Lord for emptiness
Where life still does not grow
For oft' His richest blessing,
On the surface, does not show.

He may return what I've let go,
Or just want me to see:
"You may not have just what you want,
But always, you'll have Me."

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Admitting I'm trying... April 2008

The following is an excerpt from my Journal, April 1st, 2008:

I’m waiting for mittleschmertz. That’s the word used to describe the pain experienced when a woman feels the follicle rupture and release an egg once a month. It’s not everyone that can feel this, and frankly, I have no idea if I have ever felt it before. But this month is different. I know what side it will happen on and approximately when.

This past week, I’ve been to my OBGYN twice. There I had pictures of my uterus and ovaries taken. One ovary looked like a round piece of Swiss cheese, and the other a bit like a donut. The lab technician at my physical pointed out my right ovary, noting the large “hole” and telling me that this was the follicle that will produce an egg this month. I looked on with fascination, pride and a bit of excitement... this could be it.

I never thought I would be one to get crazy about baby-making; I’ve generally adopted more of a laid back attitude to most life events. But when I got pregnant months ago, I realized that this was the fulfilling of a dream. It all felt natural, almost instinctual.

I’ve been studying health, and it all made sense. I’ve studied nutrition and I took a keen interest in pregnancy. I had the fascination and the determination to understand what was best for my body and be able to do it. I had read all the books, studied the charts, and prayed daily for God’s blessings on my child and my abilities. But I couldn’t do anything to prevent the pain and questioning that followed after learning that I had miscarried.

I read in Lorilee Craker’s book, “When the belly Button Pops, the Baby’s Done,” some awesome words. “Don’t let the fear of what might happen dampen the joy and the love... don’t hold back your love in an effort to protect your own heart.” And I immediately saw the beautiful and scary truth in that. So I loved, and I prayed for God’s protection on my heart and body, all the while trusting in my Father of heavenly lights. I know that every good and perfect gift is from above. (James 1:17)

Grieving is a process that seems never ending. But the sun shone down and I felt God’s blessings again that day at the doctor’s office. Laying there in a cotton skirt held closed by Velcro, my body revealed, I looked up to see my reproductive organs on the big screen. “Everything looks fine; you should expect to ovulate in 2-3 days.” The doctor’s words were music to my ears; as are the words in Ecclesiastes 3, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...” And this is my season to get back up and try again.