Nightmares, restless sleep and still waiting...

so I haven't been sleeping well all week, but Thursday night was, by far, the worst....

I had this monster of a nightmare (which is so disturbing I can't even write it out...) and awoke sweat drenched and shaking at 5am. I tried to wake my DH, but alas, he was (comatose) sound asleep. After a trip to the loo and some time to pray, I tried to sleep again as I knew I had a very busy day ahead of me... I must've fallen asleep as I wondered about the day, because next thing I knew I was dreaming again.

And, for sure, I was still so shaken up about the nightmare that every time I met someone in my dream I told them about the nightmare...

But I made it through yesterday, but came home and vegged after work. I couldn't do a thing.

Today is 12dpo. Yesterday I stopped by my ObGyn's office to pay a bill and they told me it was still way too early to know anything... and I should come back mid next week - but that would be like 16dpo! I'm dying to test... but I can't imagine a - result.

Last night I dreampt that I got my period (sorry). I was devastated. I woke up depressed... I know that nothing is confirmed yet, but the waiting is killing me.

Oh, and I'm neurotic enough to be addicted to reading other women's web posts and preggo stories... where too many of them claim they had a + test after 8, 9 or 10dpo... Comparing is bad. Comparing is bad. Comparing is bad....

At least I have a bunch of work to do today to occupy my time. I have to judge a speech contest Monday at Lotte Hotel... so I'm going over the speeches today to prepare questions.

Back to work I go... (but still praying for little ones growing inside of me....)

hurry up time!

Wednesday - 9dpo. >.<

I'm supposed to be writing kids text books. Actually I missed my deadline and have been avoiding my boss (don't tell her!). I've also got a school course that's ending in the next few weeks and I'm very behind in my work... and yet, am I able to focus and work????

Nope. Barely even a little.

Working from home is great... except when you're obsessive like me and work on your laptop, where you can bounce from work to facebook, to google, babycenter.com, mayoclinic.com, etc.... and research every symptom every woman in the whole world who has ever been pregnant has felt!

Whew. It's exhausting.

Bought tests yesterday. Want to test. Know it's ridiculous. Afraid of results. I'm an idoit.... woke in the night wondering if I should pee on a stick... seriously.

Started listening to the peasant princess series by Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church.... I'm pretty psyched for them. You should listen to them. Or pretty much any of his sermons... I've been putting them on when I shower and dress each morning. I know Ryan listens to them on his commute to work...

Seriously, go to your itunes podcasts now and get them!

Luckily I can get my mind off of every twinge I feel in my uterus long enough to listen... now if only I could work...

7DPO

Monday, June 22nd... 7DPO (days past ovulation)

The past week went by quickly enough... but it feels like next Monday will never arrive!

God made many interesting things that I'll never understand, but why pregnancy symptoms and PMS pains are the same baffles me!! :p Plus, the drugs I've been taking have only intensified things.

I'm hoping this month works... and I'm a little fearful it won't. Ry said there's nothing to be afraid of... but I think that cons are beginning to outweigh the pros at this point. It could just be my pessimism talking... but it's hard to go through this each month.

Last night I had dinner with a friend, G, who is pregnant with a little boy... before she got preggers, we used to chat and connect all the time about the 2ww and testing day, etc... Last night I mentioned 7 days down, 7 more to go before we know and she commented, "oh, you're still doing that, are you?" Ouch... I know she meant no harm, but these days everything zings me.

Generally I feel unwell. My body is exhausted, and though I normally take hours to wind down and fall asleep, Ryan is ecstatic that I've been asleep before I hit the pillow 3 nights in a row! I woke up today feeling great! but I've also had terrible headaches for a couple of days... just killer! And to top it off, somehow I managed to pull my neck, which just makes everything feel worse... I know it's unrelated, but its a bummer. Other than that, got some belly twinges and such, bouncing back and forth from nausea to hunger! But I know it's WAY too early for that...

so... Pregnancy? PMS? or just the meds????? >.<

I need to stop worrying about this and give it all up to God. Cause I'll go mad analyzing the details.

I'm thankful that God has really given Ryan and I extra patience these days...and awesome friends. A great apartment. THE cutest doggie EVER! good jobs, etc... we have been very blessed. And I have no reason to not be joyful each day... so all praises to God!

sharing during hard times...

It's difficult for people to share during hard times in their lives. I understand, but have always struggled with this. In my experience, you often didn't have much choice to keep things to yourself. Family and friends always wanted to know what was going on, and it just seemed natural to share.

In the past few years I have been judged for being open about many experiences and struggles. I apologize if my honesty has offended people. I feel deeply that our lives are meant to be a testament of God's goodness, grace and forgiveness. How can I speak of God's love to others, in a society that demands proof, and not give my own experience? I just can't imagine that...

When I became pregnant in 2007, I was affected by a quote from Lorilee Craker's book, "When the belly button pops, the baby's done." It said, " Don't let the fear of what might happen dampen the joy and love... don't hold back your own love in an effort to protect your own heart." After that I had a deep understanding that God wanted me to trust in Him but also rejoice and find joy. I had joy and love during the pregnancy and when I miscarried I found joy in knowing I would see my child one day...

Yet at that time, I had other people mention to me their feelings on talking about early pregnancy and miscarriage. I actually had one family member say, "I would never tell people I'm expecting before 12 weeks. I think it's stupid to announce it so early." Can you believe that?!? What a great thing to say to a grieving woman... (severe sarcasm, in case you didn't know)

Since then I've wondered about telling people my experiences with pregnancy loss, grief, infertility, etc... And I realized that in those times God used other people's experiences to comfort me, and I can be bold enough to use my experiences to praise God and help others.

God has done great things in my life and isn't finished with me yet...

My own 2 week wait.... >.<

I was at the doctors several times last week, and we'd prepared to try for a successful pregnancy this month.

For those who don't know, I've been off of BC for years but because my cycles are long it's been difficult to time things well. Sometime in December 2007 we became pregnant but I miscarried at the end of January 2008. After a painful D&C it took months for my body to get back to normal. We began trying again in late spring 2008 and now (Summer 2009) we're still praying for a little one to join our family.

In December I started seeing my ObGyn for fertility treatments, but both Ryan and I decided that we were willing to try ovulation stimulation but not more.

This month I Ovulated on June 15th (confirmed by several sonograms)... a big surprise was that 3 follicles had matured by O day!! Which is strange because at the end of last week there was only 1... either way, Ryan and I are thrilled!

Now it's the 18th and 3DPO... I've got a ton of work to do this month, and so I'm going crazy trying to get these thoughts out of my mind... what's going on in my body now? Did any eggs get fertilized? How many? where are they? will they implant? when? ??????????? AGH!!!!!!!

This is SOOOOO hard for a gal who wants to trust in God, but has a hard time not knowing what's going on... I NEED to know... I NEED to relax and trust in God... BAH!

Spending more time in prayer these days... and Ryan and I are praying over the belly each night...

It used to be that a good devo, quiet time and prayer would refresh me for hours... now it seems that shortly after I'm worried all over again...

Father, you are the giver of life and my life and the lives of any future babies are in your hands. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Teach me to be more patient and trust in you. I know that you would let me control my life and it would have limits... but your will for me is more than I could ever imagine... so my trust is in you. Comfort me in these next few weeks and remind me of your presence when I feel alone. Turn your face upon me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Was my picture in His plans?

Well, as you can see from my first post, my husband, Ryan, and I lost a baby in January of 2008... it took a while to heal both physically and emotionally, and since then we've been excited at the thought of another pregnancy and welcoming a little one into our family.

We've hit a snag and have been unable to become pregnant again since.

Last summer I had a wonderful moment while spilling my heart to my Father... and in the midst of my struggles He said to me, "We can do things your way, and have limits... or we can do things my way and you can experience miracles."

I love to make plans and goals of what I want to accomplish. However, one of my greatest struggles is giving up control to God, who I know has a plan for me. I still praise God for hearing my cries and knowing my heart... but I also still struggle with knowing how much I can do before I'm taking the control away from Him.

This is something that I have to give to Him each day, and each day He tells me to remember to trust Him. Like Proverbs 5 and 6 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Still, I am human and I struggle...

The following is a poem I read on the Stepping Stones website, a site for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. It reminds me that though there is an aching, I can't sit idly by; though I at times feel empty, He is there to fill me up.

I had a certain picture
Of how my life would be.
But I forgot to ask my Lord
What He had planned for me.

Just one life to fill my womb,
All my dreams leaned toward.
But idle waiting no one serves,
And least of all, the Lord.

How precious still the things I have
I'd somehow lost sight of,
God did whisper to my heart,
"Hold dear those things I love."

My heart did break to let it go,
This certain path I'd planned.
But in its place, He gave me life
New purpose from His hand.

When it seems that hope is lost,
The Quiet too much to bear,
He comes to me and comforts me
And says, "Child, I'm still here."

He wipes the flood of tears away,
Brings newness to my soul.
Then takes away the shame I feel
And somehow makes me whole.

Never have I walked so close
That I could call Him "Friend."
He drew me nigh, right to His heart
And let me glimpse within.

I thank the Lord for emptiness
Where life still does not grow
For oft' His richest blessing,
On the surface, does not show.

He may return what I've let go,
Or just want me to see:
"You may not have just what you want,
But always, you'll have Me."

(©2009 Bethany Christian Services)

Admitting I'm trying... April 2008

The following is an excerpt from my Journal, April 1st, 2008:

I’m waiting for mittleschmertz. That’s the word used to describe the pain experienced when a woman feels the follicle rupture and release an egg once a month. It’s not everyone that can feel this, and frankly, I have no idea if I have ever felt it before. But this month is different. I know what side it will happen on and approximately when.

This past week, I’ve been to my OBGYN twice. There I had pictures of my uterus and ovaries taken. One ovary looked like a round piece of Swiss cheese, and the other a bit like a donut. The lab technician at my physical pointed out my right ovary, noting the large “hole” and telling me that this was the follicle that will produce an egg this month. I looked on with fascination, pride and a bit of excitement... this could be it.

I never thought I would be one to get crazy about baby-making; I’ve generally adopted more of a laid back attitude to most life events. But when I got pregnant months ago, I realized that this was the fulfilling of a dream. It all felt natural, almost instinctual.

I’ve been studying health, and it all made sense. I’ve studied nutrition and I took a keen interest in pregnancy. I had the fascination and the determination to understand what was best for my body and be able to do it. I had read all the books, studied the charts, and prayed daily for God’s blessings on my child and my abilities. But I couldn’t do anything to prevent the pain and questioning that followed after learning that I had miscarried.

I read in Lorilee Craker’s book, “When the belly Button Pops, the Baby’s Done,” some awesome words. “Don’t let the fear of what might happen dampen the joy and the love... don’t hold back your love in an effort to protect your own heart.” And I immediately saw the beautiful and scary truth in that. So I loved, and I prayed for God’s protection on my heart and body, all the while trusting in my Father of heavenly lights. I know that every good and perfect gift is from above. (James 1:17)

Grieving is a process that seems never ending. But the sun shone down and I felt God’s blessings again that day at the doctor’s office. Laying there in a cotton skirt held closed by Velcro, my body revealed, I looked up to see my reproductive organs on the big screen. “Everything looks fine; you should expect to ovulate in 2-3 days.” The doctor’s words were music to my ears; as are the words in Ecclesiastes 3, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven...” And this is my season to get back up and try again.